a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
