this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
