I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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