I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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