I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
