I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
