no, he came in my armpit
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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