the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
