I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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