worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
