A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
