oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
