when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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