my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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