I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
