he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
