i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
