I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
