Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
