the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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