if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
