i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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