Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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