I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
