So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
