Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
