Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
