the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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