My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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