You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
