What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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