i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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