my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
