If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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