So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
