i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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