my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
