Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
