I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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