Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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