i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
