i love accidental penises.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
