and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
