Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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