I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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