i wish my penis had a tongue
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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