Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
