im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
