you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
