my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
