LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
