Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
