I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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