so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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