thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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