How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
